It's Not Even Snowing

After hearing of a friend's struggle with fear, nerves and trepidation at trying to reach his goals, I was reminded of my own struggle and a very valuable lesson I learnt; we never know what is around the corner for us should we just try that little harder to beat our fears and master our chances.
The following is a true story;
Some years ago as I was recovering from agoraphobia, I decided to step back on the path of the Fighting Arts. I had previously tested to Advance grade in Shotokan Karate and trained extensively in both Boxing and Kickboxing. Haven fallen to such incredible anxiety that I couldn't leave my house, it was time to get back on the horse, so to speak.
The problem was that my inner demons didn't like this and did their very best to talk me out of every session. I struggled with the very thought of entering a public building, let alone training in one (sadly, agoraphobia sufferers reading this will understand that sentiment).
My pulse would race, nausea would be felt and legs turned to jelly as I approached the dojo but I was sick of living under fear's dominion and so persevered with my goals. After many months of daily battles, I slowly started to master my demons and felt I was ready for the next step.
You can imagine my delight when I applied for and was then accepted onto a Boxing Instructor's Course. This was a massive step for me but as the day approached when I would travel three hours away from home to take the course, the voices in my head where back.
'Who did I think I was trying to kid? Surely someone like me is never going to pass a course like this, so what was the point of even trying?'
The thing is though, I did try, just not hard enough. With gloves and gumshield safely on board, we hit the road south, but as well as myself and my wife in the car there was also that unseen demon and his demanding voice; 'What do you think you are doing?'
My miraculous escape came half way through our journey when it started to snow. Heaven sent I thought it was as it gave me the perfect opportunity to turn around and come home...which is exactly what I did. My wife accepted my defeat with good grace, buying into my theory that 'Nobody wants to get stuck on the motorway in this weather'.
I though knew better, as I watched the barely visible white stuff come down. I knew in my heart that I had bottled it and the relief of arriving home was shortly replaced with a shame and depression that set me back months.
It was a while before I trained again, but the sick feeling that accompanies the coward in us all waiting to burst out was something I couldn't live with, so back I went into the dojo and drawing board.
The problem was, in my absence from the dojo a monster of a fighter had appeared. A hell of a nice guy but a monster none the less. Heavily built and a gelled back pony tail, he not only looked the part, he was the part. I would do my best to avoid partnering him which was easy enough in a busy class. I was quite happy to see someone else 'get it'.
The dojo we trained at held lessons twice a week but I supplemented my training by visiting one of the satellite clubs a Black Belt had on a Wednesday. It was poorly attended but this really didn't bother me as I developed a good relationship with the Instructor and given the poor attendance was one of the top students...a little like being the hardest person in your street.
As we left the main dojo on the Tuesday my Black Belt friend casually said goodnight followed by the words a genie couldn't get back in the bottle; 'See you tomorrow Si'.
I was mortified as our little secret was out and Ponytail caught on.
'Is there training tomorrow?' he asked.
'Yes mate, you are more than welcome' said my now ex Black Belt friend. To add insult he went on. 'In fact, Simon here could do with a decent training partner'.
A completely sleepless night followed and all the next day my demons were back. As I drove into the carpark of the hall where we trained, my heart sank. There, parked right outside the main doors, was my new partner's shiny jeep.
Fear leapt into my throat as I struggled to rein it in. Telling myself it would've easier to go for a quick pint and then home made me feel more sick than the fear itself.
'What would I tell Julie?' I asked myself as I hopefully looked Heaven bound...given it was the middle of July there wasn't a drop of snow to be seen.
I sat and struggled for about ten minutes. Is this what my life was to become? Was I destined to make progress only to fall every time it got tough?
Pushing down the rising panic I decided enough was enough, it was time to grow a pair. I entered the dojo with a resolve I didn't know I had and danced with my new partner. At first I couldn't match him as fear weakened me but I kept at it. It took me weeks to feel comfortable and then more weeks before I matched him but eventually I did. We had a healthy respect for each have other and I was sad when he left for pastures new.
Fast forward five years; I'm now a Black Belt with clubs of my own and one Friday night, as I was waiting to start teaching, a new face arrived, nervously asking if he could join in. Big, well built and with a shaven head he looked dangerous but his demeanour said differently. I could not for the life of me place him until he said with a grin 'Last time you saw me we were both Blue Belts and I had a Ponytail''.
I laughed as we shook hands, and over a cup of coffee afterward he confessed his secret.
'I was terrified of you when we trained. You were just so bloody fast'.
I nearly spilt my coffee as I was about to blurt out the same thing but then thought 'No, he doesn't need to know that'.
He stayed training with me for a while eventually grading to Brown Belt under me and we parted company amicably when he left the Martial Arts for good, honestly proclaiming it was too much for him.
I learnt a valuable lesson that day although didn't realise it until years later and it was this;
We can all sell ourselves short, fall to our fears and fail ourselves but we have no idea of what can become of us if we just try and see past those fears. I went on to make Martial Arts my profession and from that profession came a library of books I have penned and a movie on the way. It would have been all so different if it had been snowing that sunny July day so always remember this...take an umbrella with you so you won't have to go home when it counts.

How sweet is your tea?

How sweet is your tea?

Whilst what is written here is on the subject of Martial Arts, the advice on offer can be applied to all walks of life by people wanting to better themselves and achieve the achievable...because it's all achievable. There is nothing we can't do if we are willing to face our 'Shugyo'.

I was talking to a student of mine recently who had an important belt test coming up. She confessed to me that as she was getting higher up the grades, she was really feeling the pressure. She also confessed to having taken a dislike to sparring.

After listening to her carefully I gave her my opinion. "It's difficult isn't it?" I both asked and stated. The student looked at me like I had two heads but it was difficult to say anything different because quite simply it is difficult. "The better we get at something the harder it becomes to progress". I told the student and let it sink in. Then I gave her the good news.

"The thing is, the harder the tests, the bigger the rewards. Some people will get to your stage and that's that for them and they are fine with that, but by the very fact that your are asking me questions about your next step means you must really want to find out what it is like to move up the ladder. It means that you aren't done yet. I'll tell you shall I, the tea up here is a lot sweeter."

My good friend again started counting how many heads I had as I was clearly making no sense so I told her about my cup of tea.

"Some years ago, surprisingly enough after I obtained my first Black Belt, I was accepted as an instructor into a leading Martial Arts Association (The BCA). Once I was accepted I was encouraged to travel away from home to train on Instructor's courses. When the date was sent for the next one I would be excited at the prospect until the Friday before the Sunday's course came around.

I would suddenly develop a cold or an old injury would flare up. Come Sunday morning I would be unable to travel. Instead I would console myself with a cup of tea and a movie for the Sunday afternoon. Whilst the tea was sweet, it could have been sweeter. I would spend the afternoon fretting and trying to convince myself that I hadn't bottled it.

As five o'clock came around I would feel regret as this would be the time I would be arriving home should I have made the journey. I would chastise myself by saying 'it would have been all over by now and I would have another string to my bow by beating my fear'. Instead, I was faced with a cold cup of tea and a sense of disappointment in myself. I was after all, a Black Belt and had let myself down."

My student listened on as I continued. "I then read about a thing the Japanese call 'Shugyo'. It means 'austere' or 'hardship'. Certain Japanese Warriors have a belief we should all do something 'Shugyo' even just once a year. We should do something that unnerves us or even frightens us. I read, then re-read the piece many times and eventually came to terms with the fact that my Black Belt grading had been last year's Shugyo. I now needed this years'.

I talked myself into the long drive to Coventry and trained on one of the first Krav Maga seminars held in this country (some 16 years ago if I am correct). I was in for a rude awakening as the training took my breath away...but it didn't kill me.

The two years it took to drive down there were replaced with what seemed like a ten minute drive home, where I knew I had a hot sweet tea waiting for me. It was a cup of tea I had earned and not taken to accompany my excuse".

My student looked like she was starting to get it. "It's okay to be afraid but it isn't okay to let that fear stop us getting what we want to get." I told her.

"But how do we stop feeling like this?" she asked.

"We don't." I told her. "We don't stop feeling it but we get used to it, desensitised to it. The more we are exposed to events that trouble us somewhat the more we are better equipped to cope with them. At the end of the day what you are doing is a tough test but I don't dictate the nature of the event, nor did my instructors nor I suspect did theirs. I don't even think Bruce Lee had much of a say in the matter. The fact is you are going to be fighting for something you want and you will be fighting someone who also wants it. I will control the fight and keep it within the rules of engagement but at the end of the day, it is what it is."

After giving it some thought she accepted this and not only went on to overcome her fear and take the grading but she excelled on the mats. She 'Shugyoed' and afterward she looked like a person who had grown yet another branch of well earned self esteem.

Shugyo; It is something we should all do at least once a year. It can come in different forms. I think my Shugyo for 2012 will be to take a friend and colleague up on his offer to teach on his Close Protection Courses. Whilst seminars are something I teach on a regular basis this is slightly 'up' on my normal game and so the feelings will return...they are suppose to. I am also adding to my 2012 Shugyo by bringing in a new sector to my Academy which again, is slightly 'up' on what I have done in the past. It will introduce me to new people wanting to learn on a new level.

Whilst bringing a natural apprehension it also keeps me fresh, on my toes and with a thirst for a nice, hot, sweet cup of tea at the end of it all. I finished the conversation with my student by sharing my feelings on this matter and she got it. She realised that no matter what has gone before, some of us will always try and better ourselves with the next act of Shugyo; the word has a nice ring to it...

BANISH ANXIETY; Now why would I want to do that?

BANISH ANXIETY?

NOW WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

Martial Arts and life in general produce anxiety. It is something we need to address. But how? As an ex-agoraphobic (ex- is there such a thing?) I know a thing or two about anxiety. The heightened sensations, the vague and sometimes not so vague feelings of fear. The awareness of one’s self. The panic attacks that seem to come out of nowhere. The trembling limbs and churning stomach. The fear. Always the fear.

I, along with many other sufferers, searched for a way out. You know, a way out of the fear. Book after book promised to banish anxiety forever. To release me from

the fear. To free me forever and make me never afraid again. I chased this ever-disappearing horizon and hoped that when I caught it I would be able to don a Superman suit and never be scared again. I was barking up the wrong

tree; or perhaps chasing the wrong horizon.

Fear, nervousness, anxiety or just being scared. To me these are all the same things. When I was in the middle of the bad breakdown that is the subject of this book, I was

constantly scared. My body was weak from the incessant battering my nervous system was taking. I was forever agitated, frightened or on the verge of panic. I turned to

the world of books for some way out of this hell I had found myself in. Some of the books where excellent and really did the trick. Yet others, I see now, did just the

opposite. They encouraged me to fight my fear, bash my anxiety and do away with my nervousness for good.

I tried there methods but all that happened is that my resistance caused more tension, bringing with it extra turmoil and misery. You see, the harder I tried to rid myself of fear, the more scared I became when it didn’t disappear. And then the penny dropped. The idea isn’t to rid ourselves of anxiety, but to control it, not let it control us. To be anxious at the right times.

We are blessed with a wonderful thing called the fight or flight system. It invokes in us the same bodily reactions as an anxiety attack. You see, when we are in any danger, our body is filled with a chemical cocktail made up of such delights as adrenalin, cortisol, nor adrenalin and endorphins. These beauties are sent to help us and yet most of the time they make us feel dreadful, threatened and fill us with the urge to run away. Sometimes, this is exactly what we need.

Why do we need it? Well imagine, there you are with your girlfriend, Saturday night, having a great time. You’re in the local kebab house finishing of the night in style and in walks Herbert and his gang of nomads. Or is that no marks? Luckily for you, the Hospital was able to give you a miracle, once in a lifetime operation to rid you of you greatest survival mechanism. They have removed your adrenal gland. You

no longer feel fear…

Herbert smirks as he approaches you, intent on making you the featured guest at an aggravated assault. You smile, even grin at him. He’s now in your face, spitting and

cursing, fist clenched and all bad breath!

“Hi Herbert!” you offer. On lookers cringe. They know what’s coming as they’ve seen Herbert in action before. You haven’t and your lack of instinctual fear prevents you from reading his intentions. “Good to see you, you old fool!”

You laugh in Herbert’s face and compliment him on his choice of flick knife. “Ahh. Sheffield steel, only the best for you eh? You big ape. What you gonnah do with it then?”

Herbert laughs along. “Stick in you.” He says; then he stops laughing.

“Really? Wow how about that?” you offer. Still no fear. You recognise not a drop of danger. People are now pushing each other out of the way to get out the door.

He stabs you. Plain and simple. He has stabbed you. You look down at the blood seeping from the wound in your stomach.

“Look at that” you say. “I’m bleeding. Oi mate, where’s my kebab?” you ask before passing out on the floor.

Your family only hope that the doctor who removed your adrenal gland can stitch you up in time to put it back. You’ll need it for next time.

If only you had had the fear. So now we know why we have it. But what about when we take it to the extreme? What about when it takes over our lives and dominates every waking moment?

The following could be a typical incident for someone who suffers from anxiety attacks;

You’re in the local kebab house. You look across the road to the bus stop. It’s milling with people waiting for the last bus home. Soon you will join them.

“Christ, look at all those people, I’ll make a right fool of myself, and I’ll panic and lose control. The road looks massive. I’ll never make it, my legs feel like jelly”

Coincidently your legs turn to jelly at this thought. It’s the adrenalin being released into your blood stream that has just caused that. The same adrenalin that could of

saved you from Herbert had you had it at the time. However, as your legs weaken you muse that you were right about your jelly legs so you must be right about not

making it across the road with such weak legs.

You have just initiated an anxiety attack and fear fantasies are about to come fast and furious.

“Look at all them people. God I hope I don’t see someone I know, I’ll have to stop and talk to them. I just want to get home!”

You start to sweat and your stomach churns. You approach the bus stop, head down. The by now, defunct kebab sits soggy in your hand. You’re not going to eat it,

you feel too sick. You just want to get on the bus. And then you are on it. Made it, great stuff. But then you see the doors shut and you feel trapped. In a moving metal box with all these people? You’ll never do it!

The adrenalin sweeps viciously around your body, as you start to feel trapped. By Christ, you’re going mad. You will probably do something crazy or embarrass yourself. Possibly stand up and shout out. You’ve heard about people who do this sort of thing,

you are bound to do it (even though you are not a sufferer of tourette’s syndrome and it is this condition that makes these poor people act like this, not panic).

However, the thought that you might act in this manner brings with it another bout of adrenalin and you are now in a fully blown panic attack. You just want to get home.

Keeping you’re head down to stop the room from spinning, you notice how hard your heart is beating and then it all becomes clear. You are having a heart attack.

You have got to get off this bus so you can have the attack in the privacy of your own home. Surely though, if you are going to have a heart attack, you would want one in a

crowded place where help may be available. You don’t think this though, you are not thinking rationally at all.

Somehow though, you make it home. You collapse, exhausted on the chair and try to slow your breathing down.

“Christ that was bad!” you tell yourself. Eventually, you calm down and sit in the quite with your own thoughts. “What if it happens again?” you ask yourself.

And there it starts. With that one thought another slow trickle of adrenalin is

released and fear takes over. You’ve just started your next attack. You become afraid of a repeat of this episode. You become afraid to go out into a public place. You become afraid you are losing your mind, or having a stroke or a heart attack or a brain tumour. You become afraid you are dying. You become afraid.

So what’s the answer? Should we have fear or not? If we don’t, Herbert keeps stabbing us. If we do, we have trouble nipping down to the shops for a loaf of bread.

But it doesn’t have to be like that. We don’t want to banish anxiety; we just want to control it, to manage our fears.

If you are suffering from an overworked adrenal gland aided by a runaway imagination, try these few methods;

You are feeling stressed and anxious. Ask yourself why? Look around you and assess the situation (if Herbert’s in the room get the hell out of there!).

Where are you? Who is with you? What is the reality of your situation and what are your imaged dangers? There usually aren’t any real dangers, just your fear fantasies.

It is our fear of the feelings of fear that create the image of danger that kicks off our adrenalin release (you may have to read this sentence about ten times before it makes sense. I know I did after I wrote it!)

Take some nice deep breaths, and whilst counting to ten (not out aloud, people will think your mad) think of nothing at all. Just focus on the nothingness in front of

you. Then give yourself nice calm thoughts, reassuring yourself you are fine. Slow everything down and take your time.

In a worst-case scenario, such as having one of these moments in a meeting or training session, you can excuse yourself and step outside for some fresh air. Don’t pay any worry to what people will think. Imagine what you would think if somebody asked you to excuse them why they got some air. You may be mildly concerned that they were all right but would not think any less of the person. People will react the same way to you, they won’t think you are going mad.

Keep up the inner dialogue, you’re fine, you are in no danger and you are certainly not going mad. You are just having an anxious episode, there is no need to run, just let it pass. It will.

In the long term, if you are feeling like this constantly, get some help. It doesn’t necessary have to be a doctor. Enlist a good friend as a support system, someone to let off steam to. Stop letting the little things in life become a mountain that irritates and bothers you.

So what if that guy in the flash car just pulled out in front of you? So what if the people in McDonalds never get your order right? Do something positive, because a positive attitude produces the positive results that we want, the results we deserve. Learnt to paint, write, sing or play an instrument. Take up a martial art or join the local rugby team. Don’t be so afraid!

We all have the ability to control our thoughts, our lives. We all get the same number of days in the week. We can spend them worrying about the dreaded disaster that never quite appears to happen or we can spend them living our life how we choose. As long as we have the gift of fear to aid us, and as long as we control that gift and don’t let it control us, then we can do, and have exactly what we want.

You can get busy living or you can get busy worrying. It’s up to you. And stop hanging around dodgy kebab houses.

FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear

False Evidence Appearing Real

A personal history by Simon Morrell

In my own experience I have plenty to be afraid of. This has ranged from schooldays when I was bullied, threatened with knives spat at and beaten up (this was by the teachers).

Generally, this kind of adolescence led in later life to cause anxiety disorder, leading to the condition known as agoraphobia, resulting in me staying in-doors, and shrinking my comfort zone. After some years, and plenty of research and help, I was able to conquer my fear of the outside world and embark upon a martial arts journey.

Later on, fear was bought on by the thought of and taking part in tough gradings, hard courses, full contact sparring with professional boxers, grappling with European champions. Teaching at seminars, opening my own gym, effectively going public and being there for all comers to see and/or take on. Appling for membership as an instructor to possibly the most prestigious self-defence association in the world, with some of the world’s top instructors at the helm. Worrying that they wouldn’t accept me and then feeling fear when they did. Now I would have to prove that I could instruct, would have to travel away to train under some of the best instructors in the World.

Outside the’ controlled’ environment, fear was brought on by dealing with and defeating a drug dealer and his company of friends, after a dispute lasting over two years. The drug dealings were his not mine. My dispute against this man was unconnected to his activities. Threats were made by him; his threats were overcome by me. Face offs were instigated by him and his, those same face-offs were won by me, by controlling fear, not showing fear, but instilling fear in him and his gang.

It was a very scary time for me, I do not wish to sound clever about this. But any chink in their armour, I would expose and play on it. With great difficulty at first, but gradually at first, but gradually it became easier, I was able to disguise my own weaknesses and fears (there were many).

Things came to a head when after two and a half years of minor altercations and veiled threats on their part, full-scale showdown became inevitable.

They came mob-handed to my house to the tune of seven to my two. My two being me and my wife. Fear for me was at an all time high, and all my training in controlling it was ready to leave me. I couldn’t afford to let this happen (this was my house with two young children inside. Standing my ground, being aggressive and more threatening to them, it was apparent that not one of them had what it takes to be first (why bother turning up in the first place). The safety in numbers philosophy back-fired when they all realised that they couldn’t rely on each other for back up and that apparently I wasn’t bothered by them(nothing was further from the truth) When push came to shove none of them would meet my challenge. They went away with their tail between their legs.

The outcome of this conflict was the group fell out with each other,  the main dealer was left to face up to me on his own, causing him in the end to leave the area, moving to the other side of the country leaving no forwarding address.

The show-downs were never won by not feeling fear. This can never happen. The sooner it is accepted that fear is present in every confrontation, the easier I is to start learning to control fear. The goal of this story is not to try to impress you by bravado. There wasn’t one time when I didn’t want the conflict to end, not one day when I didn’t wake up scared. It is to show you that if you can steel yourself, hide your fear, unavoidable conflict can be won, if I can do it anyone can.

Further ‘live’ confrontation/fear management has even learnt through dealing with ex-employees, who left the job under bad terms, making threats against me and my family. Once again face to face situations wee resolved by controlling fear, and not allowing opponents to gain the upper hand. Instead taking the initiative, letting them know that any threats would be met.  This usually resulted in a back down fro said people. Even the business of teaching/training self-protection in a small town results in threats and noise being made by local so called ‘hardmen’. Letting them know I was willing to meet with them, and accept any challenge they cared to throw, whilst at the same time getting the message through to them that confrontation is what I trained for, even though admitting to myself it wasn’t what I wanted, resulted in yet another backdown,with apologies sent. The purpose of this section is to demonstrate that with a healthy respect for fear, but not allowing it to dominate you, coupled with the correct hard training, confrontation can be won. Not won easily, it is never easy, but won non-the-less.

The ‘live’ situations, the ones that happen when people have no regard for another human being, no ethics or code, should, if possible, be avoided. If avoidance isn’t an option, deal with them quickly and move on with your life, drawing from the experience.

The situations that you create to better yourself, opening your own business, starting a martial art, learning to grapple or spar etc. will create a feeling of fear. You will tell yourself you are not good enough to do this or that. You are wrong, you are good enough. If you are willing to try, to dare to step that bit further, to work the extra hour, train that bit harder and generally put yourself out there, then the rewards are yours. There will be failing points, points that it takes everything you have to keep trying, but by daring to be better, you have already passed more tests than most people will ever bother taking.

The result of my fear and my willingness to try to control it has lead me to being a 5th Dan black belt with the most respected association around. I own my own full-time gym and dojo teaching people how to defend themselves, compete, spar, wrestle but most of all to over-ride their fears. I have been lucky enough to make some great friends and more and more I am being asked to teach my findings to a more widespread audience than the two students I started with at a community centre some years ago. I have taught men women and children, police officers, professional boxers, wrestlers, doormen and security personnel.

Likewise I have been taught, and continue to be taught, by some of the leading instructors in the world, including martial artists, boxers, doormen, bodyguards.

Every time I do so, I feel fear; every time.

If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are right.

Simon Morrell is the author of ‘From Bullied To Black Belt’ (available now) and ‘An Everyday Warrior (release date December 2011). Both books are based on his life story and are currently being made into a feature film. They are available from blueporchpublishing.webs.com, Amazon and all good books stores.

He is also available for Martial Art/Self-Protection Seminars and non-Martial Arts inspirational seminars on Fear Control and achieving your goals I life. Visit www.simonmorrell.com